11. Prioritize, Choose, & Neglect with Dr. Julie Valentine
Sometimes it can be hard to know how we can use our time and energy for good in the world, but Heavenly Father has given us the choice in how we can bless others around us. As we consider all our to-do lists and wanting to put our energy into every good thing around us, we must choose where to put our efforts and even consciously choose to neglect things we can let go of. In this episode, we are giving ourselves permission to restructure the to-do lists and find what will guide us to blessings ourselves and others around us.
“We can do it all, we just can’t do it all at once.” — Dr. Julie Valentine
About Dr. Julie Valentine
This conversation was inspired by Dr. Julie Valentine's speech at a BYU Devotional in 2021. Julie chooses to bless the lives of those around her by working as an Associate Dean of Undergraduate Studies and Research in BYU's College of Nursing. She focuses her research on forensic nursing and sexual assault victims.
LINKS
Dr. Julie Valentine's BYU Devotional, November 2021
We need to consider the stage of our lives when we are considering how we can "do it all" as women. Sometimes it's okay to ignore parts of your life and focus on what is best for you in your season.
Work with your loved ones to determine what is the best use of your time and energy right now.
Take time to get to know yourself and be in tune with your needs, including time to recharge.
Trust that the Lord is with us and will inspire us in our pursuits to bless others around us.
God sees the good we are doing.
Small & Simple Challenge
Start a selected neglect list. Write down what you will consciously neglect and work with your family to discuss about things that are great to focus on, but will be safe to put on the back burner until you can come back for them later.
Transcript +
Kathryn Davis 00:00 With all of our to do lists, sometimes it can be hard to know how to prioritize our time and energy. But we get to choose how we can bless others around us. Hello and welcome to magnify an LDS Living podcast where we talk about using our influence as followers of Jesus Christ to make a difference in the world. I'm your host, Kathryn Davis, a mom, a seminary teacher, and a Trager enthusiast who loves God. And speaking of making a difference in the world, I think we can all relate to the feeling like we want to put our energy into every good thing around us who doesn't like checking something off their list? I know I do. However, there are different times and seasons of life where we must choose where we are putting our efforts, and even consciously neglect things we can let go of. Today we are going to give ourselves permission to restructure those lists and find what will guide us all into blessing ourselves and others around us. This conversation was inspired by Dr. Julie Valentine speech at a BYU devotional in 2021. Julie has been blessing others around her as an Associate Dean of Undergraduate Studies and Research in BYU's College of Nursing, where she also focuses her research on forensic nursing and sexual assault victims. Julie, I am actually so excited to learn from you today and learn from your influence. And I know you have a lot to say about how women can use their time and energy to bless others. But before we begin, I like to throw a few rapid fire questions at our guests so that our listeners can get to know you a little bit better. Is that okay? Okay, ready? Okay. First question. If you could meet any famous person dead or living who would that be?
Julie Valentine 01:43 Oh, goodness. Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Okay. I love that. Yeah, that would be it. There's lots of wonderful people, but lately I really am inspired by her.
Kathryn Davis 01:56 I would love to ask her some questions. Okay. Number two, what is your favorite treat of all time? [ice shaking] Are you serious? A diet coke?
Unknown Speaker 02:07 With fresh lime and grapefruit. That is my jam, and some dark chocolate when I need that little sweet.
Kathryn Davis 02:15 Okay. See, we are friends. I love that. Yes. Okay. My third question. I know you have done a lot of research on dating apps. So what would you describe as an ideal date that you would love to go on?
Julie Valentine 02:30 Oh, I would like it to be a really long date, that would involve being on a beach in some island tropical with a Diet Coke, with a Diet Coke and a really good book and my husband right there next to me listening to the waves, our toes in the sand and just relaxing. That's my ideal date with my love.
Kathryn Davis 02:58 Okay, that sounds fantastic, especially since it's a little colder today, the warmth of the sun. Hey, so I think as women, we all have this instinct and desire to use our time to bless others around us. But our lives can be frantic and demanding. And it can be difficult to know where we should put our time. And we're all facing decisions about how to use our time. And I want to discuss this idea that we get to choose how we can use our time and energy to bless lives around us. You have said that, "Heavenly Father gave us the greatest gift in that we can choose how we act and what we do." This simple principle I think sometimes gets away from us. And I think we sometimes fall into our routines and we feel like what we are doing with our time... They're not choices that are made by us. So I just want to ask you, what are some choices we can make with our priorities that will help us make the best use of our time?
Unknown Speaker 04:02 Yeah, I love this topic, I think especially for women. I think for many of us, we feel like we have to do it all. Yeah, well, we have to remember that we can do it all, but we can't do it all at once. So that means that we need to think about at every stage of our life, really, with every day with every hour, what is the best thing for me to be doing with my time right now? That may mean that you ignore the dirty dishes that maybe are from the night before and you sit on the ground and you play with your four year old. That may mean that you say I'm gonna go back to school and finish my degree. It can mean a host of different things and it's going to be very individualized and I think something that we need to approach prayerfully. Something that I had really a life changing experience was many years ago was after I had my sixth baby. I had six kids 10 and under, and I was in the laundry room at night. And it was after midnight, I was physically and emotionally exhausted and felt really down on myself. I looked at my messy house, and I was folding laundry. And I thought I didn't get this done. And I didn't get that done, this thoughts came to me, I could stay up all night, and I still wouldn't have everything done. And then immediately after that the thought came to me, maybe there's nothing wrong with you. Maybe there's something wrong with your list. And this was about 25 years ago, and I went to bed, and I decided I was going to change and approach life differently. And that I was really going to focus on the aspect of good, better best, what is best for me to do with our time because that truly is a greatest gift that we have. Think about that every day, what's the best use of my time? I made a whole bunch of changes after that day. And one of my biggest changes was realizing that just because there's more to do, it doesn't mean I haven't done enough. And also, there are things that I don't need to do. And I started what I call my selected neglect list. It's really, really important to me, I have a list, I love my To Do lists. But even more important are my selected neglect list. And emotionally. This was a game changer. For me, I keep a list of things that I know are important. And I'm going to share with you. Yeah, the big thing that's been on that list for a long time, is genealogy. I think genealogy is really, really important. But I haven't been able to do that right now in my life. So I know that's important. I have it space for that. But I can't do that right now in my life. So acknowledging where I'm putting my time and where I'm choosing at this time not to focus on has really helped me emotionally.
Kathryn Davis 07:21 I love that. Okay, and so I have a couple of questions about that, that I want to dig into a little bit. First of all, I loved the idea of a neglect list, when you first said that. I had a friend who was dealing with anxiety, and she was told that when she would get anxious, she should write down all the things that she should do. And just getting it out on paper was helpful and beneficial for her anxiety and her for her brain. And so when you said the idea of a neglect list, it's like you can physically put it on paper and write it down and think I am going to choose to neglect this for right now. There is power in that.
Unknown Speaker 08:04 Absolutely. And I let my family my family's very aware of my neglect list. I remember one time my husband opened a closet that truly was just an absolute disaster. And he said, so this is on your neglect list? And I said oh yeah, and it's gonna stay there. You know, if it was bothering him, he could clean it. But yeah, I'm choosing to ignore that. I'm neglecting that right now.
Kathryn Davis 08:25 So you said that changed everything for you. When you did that neglect list. My question is, I love when you said we can do it all but we can't do it all at once. So how do you choose what's on your neglect list? Like Elder Oaks said good, better best. How do you know how to prioritize that? What process do you go through to choose what's on your neglect and what you choose to focus on?
Unknown Speaker 08:47 I choose what's on my neglect list sometimes by trial and error. I might say I'm going to neglect this, like my backyard. I chose to neglect it. I love to do yard work and gardening. But when I decided to go back to school for my PhD, there's a whole bunch that had to go on my neglect lists and doing all my flowerbeds and stuff in the backyard went went on there and it stayed on there until emotionally I'm like, this is really bringing me down to look in my backyard and not see and spend that time in the dirt. So it moved off my neglect list because emotionally and spiritually it felt like the right time to move it off. So I also talked to my family about it one time I told my kids we had a family meeting and I said okay, and I think this also was when I was going back to school, I said I need to add to my selected neglect list. So one of the things I'm putting on there is I'm not packing you school lunches. We're just going to pay for you to have lunch at school. And there was an uproar. They're like, No, don't put that on the neglect list. And I said okay, then what can you do? To help me with that, so I can put something else on. So I also get feedback from my loved ones. And then also just approaching the Lord about it. You know, we pray about what things we should be doing. I think we can also pray about what things can we choose not to do right now and feel okay about it and not feel like in any way that we are failing for not doing all the things that we see value in. We just can't do it all at the same time.
Kathryn Davis 10:31 And that seems like you have to be really aware with yourself with your circumstances. Because everybody's circumstances going to be different, right? Like you can be a young mom, with lots of little kids or an empty nester or just kind of starting out in a career, I think there are a lot of different circumstances where people have to be in tune with what they feel like they can do. And being able to prioritize that. I love the idea of taking it to God. And knowing there's a time and a season. I remember as a young mom with four little kids, and I used to go to the temple weekly. And then with all my little kids, I was finding it so hard to get there every week. And I was super discouraged about that. And I remember my dad was a temple president at the time. And I was like, Dad, I just need to get there more. And I remember him saying Honey, there's a time and a season. I love that just being able to recognize that time. And that season of what we need. And what's on our neglect list. I think that's a powerful tool that our listeners can definitely start applying is consciously choosing to put something on the neglect list. How do you focus on what you should be doing? Like how do you know what you're capable of, and where you should focus?
Unknown Speaker 11:47 I think you learn where you should focus by getting to know yourself. I think especially right now, we're just hit with this barrage. Everything from news alerts, you know, on my watch, yeah, and social media that can really be distracting. I have significant concerns, especially for young moms about the impact of social media. I read somewhere that social media is like watching other people's highlight reels, right? We know our own behind the scenes footage, and we compare. Comparison is the thief of joy is so very true. And I think we have to step out and just compare yourself to yourself. Okay, a year ago, I was doing this, I've made some progress in this area of my life, and not be influenced by what other people may be doing. I think there's great power in having quiet time. And it's gonna be a little different for everybody. For some it will be going to the temple, others, you know, one of the main places... I have eight kids, and when I wanted alone time, I say so who can help me clean up the kitchen. They scatter. It's great alone time. So I have a lot of pondering done at the kitchen.
Kathryn Davis 13:12 That's funny,
Julie Valentine 13:13 It might be going for a walk. Getting up a little bit early so you have quiet time in the morning. Whatever you need, but I think getting to know yourself and deciding what is most important in my life. And then once you decide, and again, this is at this stage in my life, right? Think about the time and the season. And when you have a bunch of little kids, the most important thing in your life is nurturing those small children, then considering these are the most important things to me, how do I spend my time? And imagine that somebody watches you for 24 hours. At the end of that 24 hours, if they were then interviewed and said, so you've watched Julie for 24 hours? Can you tell me what she values what's most important to her? I would hope that my 24 hours would represent what is most important to me and what I value. So I think sometimes we get this internal stress when those don't match up. And so really, our time is how we show what is meaningful to us. So once we choose what are our priorities, then we think how do we spend our time to reach those priorities?
Kathryn Davis 14:38 So you choose priorities, and then you look at what time you're going to spend to reach those. So I think you said something interesting, like we have to get to know ourselves and I just find as women sometimes any thought of the self is hard, like we feel selfish or we feel like we're taking too much time on our needs. And I think an important lesson in kind of what you're saying is we have to take time to get to know ourselves, to recharge ourselves so that we can bless and serve others. So as a mom of eight kids, eight, I can't imagine, what are some things that you were able to find time to do to recharge?
Julie Valentine 15:25 Besides saying, hey, everybody helped me help me clean the kitchen? A few things. I love to work out. So going to the gym, or a run, or walk, you know, that usually wouldn't take too much time out of my day. I'm a morning person. So I rather would lose a little bit of sleep, to have some alone time in the morning. Because when you've got you know, with eight kids, you have young kids, but then you got teenagers. And when you should go into that teenager thing, you have no time at night, because there you don't. Yeah, so I would get up a little bit earlier in the morning. I'm lucky in that I have a wonderful husband, who also would help me recharge and truly is this eternal partner with me. And then good friends. Take time in your life, to recharge with friends and cultivate those relationships. I mean, I think that we are so blessed as being women of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, with Relief Society. It's like this built in network, right. And you've learned from women that are maybe decades older than you and younger than you and forge these relationships, and relationships help to ground us and we can learn from others. So I think all of those things can also help us recharge. And then again, Diet Coke, and some good dark chocolate can help with that, too.
Kathryn Davis 17:03 I agree. But I love that I think there are so many individual ways where we can recharge, and just trying to understand ourselves, like what feeds our soul, whether that's some physical activity, or good friendships. And I think all of those, knowing your own limits is so important. And I love how you said that we need to trust God, and trust that he can help us prioritize and choose and neglect, right? That he can help us choose where to put our time and our energy. And to quote your BYU devotional, you said this, "we can foster joy in this world by reaching out to others in love." That is what our Heavenly Parents want us to be using our time for is to reach out to others in love. Have you had any experience where you have felt God was guiding you to know how to bless others around you.
Julie Valentine 17:58 I feel like I have had many experiences where I feel like God was right there holding my hand. I pray for that. I mean, I pray that I feel his presence with me, especially in my work as a nurse. I care for mainly women, but also, you know, all who have been impacted by violence and get called in to see individuals who have been raped or in domestic violence situations, and it's hard. And my goal is to try to help them begin to heal. And I feel like I can't do this work without the Lord. I have many times where I will feel inspired to say something that I realize that was inspiration to help that person. I also feel that with my children and colleagues and friends, and I think all of us have those times where we feel inspiration, and then maybe kind of second guess that. And I think that over time, if we trust that the Lord is with us, and is providing that inspiration, then we become more inspired to act on that. Going back to school to get my PhD, was a really, really hard thing with eight kids. And I felt that the Lord was going to be with me in that big life path that I chose to do and could not have done that without feeling like the Lord was there to strengthen me. It doesn't have to be necessarily going back to school. But I think that all of us can pray for the Lord to be with us when we embark and try to reach our goals and priorities. He wants us... I mean when you think about how we feel about our kids, we want our kids to succeed and be the best they can be and to be happy and help other people. Well, I think we magnify that when we think of how the Lord feels about us. And when we get that concept, he is right there. He's our number one cheerleader. Right? He asked us to do the best we can, and then say, All right, awesome. You are my partner in this life. Let's do it. I think we can accomplish great things
Kathryn Davis 20:24 I can only imagine, with your prompting to go back to school. As a mom of eight that there were a lot more things that you had to put on the neglect list a lot, a lot more things. And did you ever feel like you were dropping the ball? Did you ever struggle with feelings of I'm not succeeding here or making an impact here? Did you struggle with that?
Julie Valentine 20:49 Oh, yeah. And I think again, that goes back to that's how the selected neglect list helped me a lot. Yeah. Before I was doing a lot more with my kids at their schools, you know, I had to step away from PTA and doing room on stuff and a whole bunch of things. And I think as, as moms especially, isn't everyday a balancing act, right? And we are constantly juggling. And I've got elderly parents that you know, and a lot of us are in that situation, we have so many competing demands on our life. But if we get in that rut of feeling like, well, I'm doing really well here, but oh, I'm totally bombing in my life down here that just tears us down. And then we don't have the energy to say, look at the Lord is helping me do really well, in this aspect of my life that's incredibly important to me. So now, maybe I'll shift and focus on this other area for a while as well. So when we start to feel like we are not enough, it's counterproductive. And to really succeed in the things we need to do, we need to practice positive self talk. And that goes back to what are your goals? approaching the Lord with, How should I spend my time? Deciding on your goals, then deciding how am I going to spend my time? And giving yourself that positive self talk that I know the Lord would be giving to you, he would be saying you're doing great.
Kathryn Davis 22:27 Yeah, I think that's true. And I think using your time, what you said is, maybe you've noticed what God wants you to do with this time to bless others. How do you think God sees the good we're doing?
Julie Valentine 22:41 I think that God sees the good we're doing based on how we uplift other people. I mean, I truly believe that, that we are God's hands on this earth. I think everything is weighed towards that. What are we doing to uplift another person? And it could just be for some of us, and sometimes in our life, maybe it's just one person. And that's, that's great. That's one person. It doesn't need to be in volumes. But it's how we use that time to benefit one person or others.
Kathryn Davis 23:20 It reminds me a little of the story of the widow's mite. I used to see the story as a woman who maybe went in and kind of put her two coins into the offering and maybe felt embarrassed that that was all she had. And then as I've kind of been studying the story, I read a talk from Michelle Craig, who is actually my older sister. And she said this about that story in Mark. She said, "Jesus Christ recognize the abundance of her all where others only her lack." And I love that idea that Christ recognized the abundance of her all I picture sometimes that same faith filled determination in my life or with women who are tired, or maybe a little rundown. And maybe what they have to offer they feel is not enough. But Christ sees the abundance of our offering. Have you ever felt like he's amplified your ability to love and to offer goodness?
Julie Valentine 24:32 100%. I think as we strive to get to know Christ, we can try to develop his traits in our life. So I work at BYU in the College of Nursing and everything we do is around the theme learning the healer's art. And I asked my students to pick their favorite story of Christ healing, and what we learn from that, and then how we can develop those same attributes in our life. I think that that's what when we are asked to read the scriptures more, to pray more those simple things, it's all about learning to be more like Christ. Truly understanding what we need to do with the direction in our life. And the Lord knew the heart of the widow, with the widow's mite. And I think the Lord knows our heart. And sometimes for varieties of situations, some women may be in very difficult situations where they're just trying to get through each day. And I see a lot of those women and I pray that they never feel diminished, that they recognize that the Lord knows their heart. Sometimes due to difficult situations, actions can't exactly meet what's in the heart. But I think we need to all give ourselves grace. And understanding that the Lord knows us and loves us and is rooting for us as children of God.
Kathryn Davis 26:17 That's beautiful. I love that. And I can only imagine that title of the Savior the healer has brought on a new meaning to you. Absolutely. And in your path to bless and serve others. Well, Julie, we like to end every episode of the Magnify podcasts with a small and simple suggestion that we can implement throughout the week. So I want to ask you what is your small and simple action that we can take to use our energy and time for good this week?
Julie Valentine 26:49 Well, if you don't have a selected neglect list, start one. Pray about it. Ask your family about it and think alright, what are great things in this life that right now I will consciously choose to neglect but things will change later in my life. So start that selected neglect list, then spend your time focused on what you value.
Kathryn Davis 27:13 Beautiful. Thank you so much, Julie. Thank you for being here. You can listen to Dr. Julie Valentine's BYU devotional linked in our show notes. And don't forget to join us over on Instagram at magnify community. And of course, subscribe and listen to this podcast wherever you get your shows. Thanks for being here, and let's meet up again next week.